Suffering is salvific

Not knowing what to do, how to help, fight for and rescue a loved one from the grips of illness tests my faith.  It makes me think about how difficult it really is to let go and allow God to be God.  My thoughts run amok and take my heart for a roller coaster ride.  I become exhausted and find myself crying when doing the dishes, folding clothes, sweeping the floor or staring out the window.

I have said goodbye to quite a few loved ones and each time I am presented with another goodbye, all the previous ones come back to add their tears and memories to the present.

This is part of loving someone.  Saying yes to God, "I'll take this one home".....until You really take her home.

I think a person who would read this would think I am talking about a human's demise, not a horse.  Until I owned a horse, I would have never understood why anyone would give so much of themselves to an animal.  I am convinced that having animals in my life has taught me a lesson about love that I would have never learned any other way.

When you drive down the road and see cows, sheep, horses, dogs, cats, birds; what do you see?  I see feelings, personalities, cares and concerns, preferences of food, babies wanting their mommies, orneriness, freedom to fly and loving it. I see in animals what I see in people, a need to be loved, protected and cared for.

I was raised with hunters and my husband is a hunter.  Do I like this? No, not at all, but it has taught me to accept another's way even if I cannot understand it. I try not to assume my way is the right way because it makes sense to me.  We are all mostly ignorant, even when we think we know we often make ourselves ridiculous when we talk.

Bottom line?  There is a bottom line and that is: all we have is the Mercy of God and each one of us relies on that Mercy. I cannot say it is possible that this person or that person may not need His Mercy.  I see, we all need it, whether human or animal, it's all any of us really have.  And, based on my personal experience, that Mercy is a Gift from God and is called, Jesus.

When I say, "personal experience", that means what has occurred in my life has validated the Presence of Jesus, what I learn at Church or read in scripture also validates His Presence.   When I am at Mass, I feel: "Ah yes, it is YOU!!"  I recognize Him there in the Mass, because He is there in my barn, in my car, in my soul!  Everywhere, I recognize Him in scripture as well as in a stranger's face.  Same Guy, it's Him.

I'm going to be okay!  Sighing, I feel more centered after typing my feelings out on this computer.  I would have said all this in my journal, but I'm so tired I can't get up the energy to go find it, besides, Lacey is sound asleep on my lap.

Wishing Nancy would get better soon....................

Spending time in the barn every chance I get.  Brushing her, talking to her, trying to get her to eat and telling her over and over how much I love her.  I can't imagine life without Nancy in it.  She's been such a strong friend to me.  I've been with her almost every single day for years and years.  I promised God I would take care of her for Him.  Nancy was trained to give handicapped children horse back rides and riding lessons.  She was the legs for many children who could not walk or run but could fly like the wind on her back.  She was so gentle, such a good mother.  A good mother to my own child who in turn became a good mother to her 3 children.
I have learned so much from her and I will carry her in my heart for the rest of my life.  I believe our animals are in Heaven, I know God's love is so great, He would never create just to let die.  Many argue that, but no one will ever convince me otherwise because I prayed to God about this.  If I have a question, I ask Him!!  He's my Father for Heaven's sake.
He assured me.
I have peace about where she will go, I just hate separation that death brings into our lives. 
One day at a time.  I keep telling myself.  Maybe tomorrow, she'll be better and may snap out of this bad spell. 
I tried to give her some molasses water today, yesterday, jello water.  I also tried to give her a cupcake, but no.  At least she did drink a little water and eat a little hay today.
So, yes, much of my life is revolved around my pets.  They need me and I can't be any other way.

Hello from Oliver

Oliver
 
My youngest grandson, Oliver loves to smile and warms my heart!

 

S

Phoebe!  Our newest member of the family.

We welcome each new gift of life God sends our way. 


"Keep attention in yourself and keep only one standard in your mind-to please God in everything, both great and small.  Then life itself will teach you to discern clearly and see through the wiles of the enemy."

     _Fr. Lorenzo Scupoli



(Fr. Scupoli (1610 was a Theatine priest from Italy and a spiritual author. Information regarding Fr. Scupoli from the March issue of the Magnificat magazine).


Peace be with you♥

 

Winter Retreating

Winter weather, I actually love it for the most part.  It gives me permission to stay indoors and experiment/play with dyeing muslin in teas, herbs and coffee concoctions.  Even used sassafras bark which created a warm copper color.  Dried the muslin in the sun, hanging them on just about anything in my house that would offer itself up for this job.
Peaceful days, quiet and if there is sunshine all the better.
Not busy with art work.....because?
Because I just can't make myself pick up a brush and create a picture.
Will I ever again? Probably, and I intend to, but when, I don't know.

 
 
 
 
 
 

For now, I am busy putzing around, sewing primitive type articles, reading some of my old, old craft books and reminiscing about days gone by when I spent time cross stitching on the back porch while sipping on ice tea, listening to my horses and watching birds flutter in the trees next me. 

I need to get back to that place again.  Create something with no intention whatsoever of selling it.
Create homey things again, for my own nest.







The temperatures come what may, that will not determine the worth of my day!

 
 

 

 

 

Frozen pastures

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Gift from St. Francis

Lacey Marie came to live with us this past September.  We adopted her from a rescue mission named SaveAMomPetRescue.  She easily captured our hearts and made her place in our lives and brought joy to our home.  I am so grateful to Denise, the owner of Save A Mom, for all her work that she does to rescue pregnant dogs and their puppies who were neglected and discarded. 
It hurts when I think of what Lacey has experienced before she was rescued.  I have a feeling she remembers that bad time of her life so I try to make each and every day happy and full of love for her.  
Thanks to St. Francis for helping us to find each other!

Loves my socks!

 

FOR ELLE

The past few weeks I have been recovering from our beloved dog's passing on June 29th, 2014.  I had kept a journal about the days prior to her passing because I was so comforted at God's bending down toward me, embracing me and giving me love and direction through this difficult journey that I had to write it down.  And as a tribute to Elle and to the help God gave me, I wanted to blog a little about what my experience was like.
God is my Father.  Jesus is my Savior.  Our Lady is my Mom.  I'm on a journey through a thick forest, keeping on the path with a constant ear toward the sky.
I subscribe to "Magnificat" which is a monthly publication of the Mass Readings.  God frequently speaks to me through scripture and spiritual works written by others.



May 28, 2014
God cared that my dog was dying.  He cared that my heart was broken.  I felt Him close by as the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.  During struggles, God speaks and tends to His children in special ways to protect and guide, to comfort and reassure and ultimately to strengthen the bond between Father and child.

The Lord sent me to comfort all who mourn.
                                      Isaiah 61:1-2

Wondering the purpose of Elle's suffering and why it was permitted.

My word shall not return to me void but shall do My will, achieving the end for which I sent it.
                                       Isaiah 55:11  

She gave us so much love and laughter, she brought tenderness and compassion to our marriage and to our home.  She gave us purpose and helped us to learn self-forgetfulness.




In the May issue of the publication "Magnificat", page 388, Saint Hedwig said "Yet every sorrow was folded into prayer."

I feel every sorrow should allow us to grow closer to God and to give purpose to our loss thereby uncovering the truth of the loss and turning it into spiritual gain.

Saint Hedwig further said, "Our lives are His; our will is whatever He is pleased to ordain, whether our death or that of our friends."

Merciful Father, through the intercession of St. Hedwig, grant us total trust in Your Holy Will.  _Magnificat

Beasts wild and tame, Praise the Lord!         Psalm 148

God gave this little dog to us as a gift.

Rather it is He Who gives to everyone life and breath and everything.  Acts 17:24-25

Page 391 Magnificat May 2014 issue:
O God, Creator and Redeemer, You are the Author of being and of life.  Inspire in us a spirit of praise, that we may give you glory in everything we think, say and do, through Jesus Christ Our Lord.  Amen   

I pray that my grief for Elle gives glory to God.  We need the Spirit of Truth to guide our rebellious human spirits.
Trying to remember: HE COMES TO THE DOCILE.

May 30th
Early in the morning during barn chores I wondered about something God had told me a few years ago.  I had asked Him why He would allow me to love my horse so much if only to have her die and vanish someday, like a common soap bubble.  Would God use a living creature for all it's worth and then......pfffffft!?!
He assured me, with these words received as an inner locution:
"I take nothing from you".

I continued to ponder if that meant what I originally thought was that all animals He created go to Heaven when they die.  But now, a new thought entered my grieving mind:  He takes nothing from me because I never had anything to take, it was always His to do as He wanted.  Had I just thought I had been given something?  I began to feel frustrated, but based on experiences of lessons learned, I knew to put it on hold until God decided, if ever, to address the subject further with me.

Later as I read the devotions in the Magnificat for the day this scripture was given:

Everything that the Father has is mine, for this reason I told you that He will take from what is mine and declare it to you.           John 16: 12-15

Again, I am humbled by His everlasting arm and marvel at how compassionate and caring He is towards His children.


Perhaps you will ask how can I imitate Jesus as He is God and I am misery?  by the Spirit that dwells in you, you can acheive holiness.  As God's child.  An heir to the Kingdom by the Savior's gifts. (Magnificat).

 June 14, 2014
The look in her eyes says goodbye and I love you.  Her eyes indicate her resolve to accept that she is dying.  A sadness and serious attempt to connect to me before she goes.  Sadness because she must go, but seriousness because she wants me to remember how much she loves me as this will have to last until we meet again in Heaven.
I am nauseated with sorrow.  Everything hurts ten times more under the roof of grief.   She feels like she is full of sawdust, but it is cancerous tumors and the hardening of her flesh and organs.  This all seems like a nightmare.

Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected when received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the invocation of God in prayer.  Timothy 4:4

"cherries are small, but as soon as you have a ripe one you immediately realize how much goodness can be contained in something so small"  _Fr. Sullivan

SOMETIMES THE SMALLEST THINGS TAKE UP THE MOST ROOM IN OUR HEARTS. 

June 29, 2014 We had to have Elle put to sleep.  She died in my arms.  My husband and I sobbed and spent the rest of the day walking around sniffling and trying to be strong for each other.  I spent a lot of time in the barn hugging my horses.  They seemed to understand.
In the weeks that followed I've had a tooth extraction, a sinus infection and several bad colds.  I must have gone through a stack of tissues 10 feet high.  I've found myself talking to toads, tree frogs, the neighbor's dogs, bugs and the like as if they were my very own babies.
It's been quite a summer and the only place I really find a break from my grief is on the lake.  Which is a first for me.
My husband bought me a kayak and I've been spending time out on the lake.  I would have never guessed this would come about, but out there on the lake, I feel a sense of space and calm and for that I am grateful.  The exercise has helped with my depression tremendously!

Soon, we will be adopting a new dog.  Her name is Lacey.  She, as was Elle, is a rescue dog.  I went to meet her last week, we locked eyes and I fell in love with her.  Meanwhile, I pray to St. Francis for a smooth transition and his blessing.