Self Absorbed

To those of you who suffer with depression and are on lifetime medications, I salute you. I know first hand what a battle this is and the fatigue that lays flat as a rock on your mind. Today is one of those days that I look everywhere for answers, guidance and a grace to calm my busy as a bee mind.

Worry. Crippling Fears. What if's? These and all they entail are drowning me. I can't breathe properly. I tried to lay down and meditate to quiet my mind and think rationally but my dog kept licking my face and the kid down the street will just NOT park his 4 wheeler and give us all a rest from that blasted noise.

I know I don't have to be in the state of bliss in order for God to hear me. I know that usually, He comes to my rescue (albeit s l o w l y).

I know, I know, I know, but my hands are still trembling. My body will not cooperate.

What triggered this? The crappy news. Political tricks and organized crime within our stock market. Pack of liars and thieves.....or so it seems, how would we know? All we know is what they tell us. Okay, I must confess I added to my dilemma and drank way way too much coffee and ate about 6 pounds of sugar.

I have hanging in our west window, a prism. It gives me a rainbow every time the sun is out. Did you know there are 3 things that can happen to a light wave? It can be reflected, absorbed or transmitted. That's it.

I guess today, I am absorbed, self absorbed and unable to reflect or transmit God's light. I don't want to be like that! I want to be a reflection and transmit hope for crying out loud!

So, here's what I'm going to do: shuck corn for supper and that will become my prayer as I begin to prepare dinner for my family.

Baby steps.

Last of the Summer Wine

Somewhere in my attic there is a little felted orange pumpkin that this witch usually holds on to. If you would see this little stuffed pumpkin by itself, say on the floor somewhere, you would think, "what the harry is THAT?" Meantime, she has to hold a cheap, silk orange flower. Disgusting, I know.

And, besides watching fall approaching, enjoying the last warmths of summer, the last of the garden's blooms, one last watermellon and getting out my halloween favs, I'm trying to be a fabulous person before Santa checks his list. Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dark Fun

To embrace an early summer morning, you must wake up really early, around 5am and go outside barefooted. Look about, listen and feel. It's so magical. I was so enthralled with looking at everything I almost walked face first into this spider's web!

The moon and fog changed the familiarity of my yard. Trying to figure what side of the fence that dark blob was...... I wasn't quite sure if that was Betty (the sheep), or a deer. Softly I spoke her name and she came near, then out of the fog, I could see Nancy (the horse) slowly walking towards us. They're so sweet and must have woke early too. May as well get their breakfast.

The barn was chock full of quiet. The birds who roost there must have been up early too getting that unlucky early worm.

I thought about how much I miss sleeping through these wee hours of the morning and missing years of experiences that are pleasant and stay with you, in a good way.

Every hour in the darkness holds it's own magic, doesn't it? I figure since the days go by so darn fast, why not get a hold of some of these other hours?

Oh yeah, I'm sleeping.

" The morning, which is the most memorable season of the day, is the awakening hour, at least, some part of us awakes which slumbers all the rest of the day and night."

_Henry David Thoreau

Buzzards and Toes:)

A group of buzzards have taken up residence in the woods behind our house and I am infatuated with them. I'm trying to get a decent up close photo of them in flight. This as close as I could get. I'm not coordinated enough to see them flying overhead, then capture that in the nick of time on camera.

I love how their shadows quietly zoom across the yard, usually my first clue they are about.

For the first time I've noticed the buzzards, crows and a hawk are sharing this wooded area. Usually it's just the crows.

You just got to adapt, that's all. Take shoes for example: when you get older, you can't tolerate certain types of shoes and I found that out today. I wore some high heeled pink very pointed shoes today knowing I would be on my feet for 4 hours.

Dumb, really dumb. I cannot THROW those shoes far enough!!!!!!!!!

Here's what I'm migrating towards:

Yeah! Engineer boots!!!!!!!! Woo hoo! These suckers cost $200 and are made in America by Frye.

And these, were made in who knows where but are enjoying their second summer on my feet.

Tonight I am going through my shoes and the really stupid ones are going in the trash.

Note to self: "I'm too old for pointy shoes"

Fighting Nature?

This is why I've not been blogging much of late; my yard is being overtaken by things like crabgrass, corn and several other huge things that come from using one's horse manure as fertilizer.

Plus, windows, all of them, need washing, the washing needs washing and my hands hurt from all the pulling and tugging. I'm convinced if I moved away for one year and left this property to care for itself I would return to find it completely covered in vines, weeds and cobwebs. Nature claims it's space back as soon as we allow it to. I'm not sure if fighting nature is what I wanted to devote my time to, so much of my life to, but, I seem to be doing just that.

Not being able to stay focused for longer than 5 minutes isn't helping either. I got out the ladder, which weighs about 2 tons, and decided to wash the windows on the west side of the house, but oh look, the bushes need trimmed back before I can do that, so I got out the trimmer and, oh look again, I've managed to cut the cord right in half with the trimmer.

The bushes win, again.

Beauty in the weeds

There will always be hard times to go through, confusion, chaos, war, breakups, death. That is part of life. No big discovery on my part here, just thinking how important it is to keep your eye on the Prize. Make Heaven a significant part of your thinking when facing a problem, it helps keep things in balance.

I've been in the pits of despair, feeling so sad no one could reason with me. Only what I had experienced as love, held me through it.

See this sunflower? It was planted by a bird in the midst of zillions of mosquitoes that prevented me from weeding the flower bed. Everytime I look at it I think about the strength of faith, arising from despair and weeds, planted by a common bird, becomes a creation of God.

That is what we are, children of God. If I ponder on this fact, I feel connected with Him and the rest of His children here and in Heaven, filling me with a humble strength that quiets my mind, slows down my steps and I can once again breathe.

Yes, I am a child of God as well as a common sinner walking this earth, making mistakes and praying for mercy. I'm not a religious zealot or feel holier than thou.

I just miss my loved ones who've died, I tell God that I don't understand things at all, but quietly wait, trusting Him. I get up each day and do my best for my family and for myself. I laugh a lot, too....joke around, chop wood and carry water.

We are all so much alike, it's only fear that keeps us apart.

Hay!

Morning chores: Feed dog, feed horse, feed sheep, feed birds, feed husband and finally sit down and drink a hot cup of coffee. This goes on rain or shine, snow or sleet. Going out to the barn every morning and evening can be a drag, especially if I'm not feeling chipper.

(To the right, is Betty waiting for me to feed.)

But most of the time, even during snowstorms it's an adventure of sorts. Being a part of this world has taught me much. Nancy, the horse, is a two-eyed jack registered quarter horse who is now 26 years old.

"All I pay my psychiatrist is the cost of feed and hay, and she'll listen to me any day."

_Author Unknown

She wouldn't be worth ten cents to most people, she has arthritis and some other feet troubles but to us she is worth her weight in gold. And we spoil her rotten!

Do I ride her, heck no! As Roy Rogers put it, "When you are young you fall off a horse and you may break something, when you are my age, you splatter."

I don't think I would splatter necessarily, but for sure it wouldn't be good.

So, when your daughter is 14 and talks you into getting a horse, then leaves home ten years later and you are the one left holding the hay hook, ......it makes ya think. Pets are a big commitment but a way bigger blessing!