FOR ELLE

The past few weeks I have been recovering from our beloved dog's passing on June 29th, 2014.  I had kept a journal about the days prior to her passing because I was so comforted at God's bending down toward me, embracing me and giving me love and direction through this difficult journey that I had to write it down.  And as a tribute to Elle and to the help God gave me, I wanted to blog a little about what my experience was like.
God is my Father.  Jesus is my Savior.  Our Lady is my Mom.  I'm on a journey through a thick forest, keeping on the path with a constant ear toward the sky.
I subscribe to "Magnificat" which is a monthly publication of the Mass Readings.  God frequently speaks to me through scripture and spiritual works written by others.



May 28, 2014
God cared that my dog was dying.  He cared that my heart was broken.  I felt Him close by as the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.  During struggles, God speaks and tends to His children in special ways to protect and guide, to comfort and reassure and ultimately to strengthen the bond between Father and child.

The Lord sent me to comfort all who mourn.
                                      Isaiah 61:1-2

Wondering the purpose of Elle's suffering and why it was permitted.

My word shall not return to me void but shall do My will, achieving the end for which I sent it.
                                       Isaiah 55:11  

She gave us so much love and laughter, she brought tenderness and compassion to our marriage and to our home.  She gave us purpose and helped us to learn self-forgetfulness.




In the May issue of the publication "Magnificat", page 388, Saint Hedwig said "Yet every sorrow was folded into prayer."

I feel every sorrow should allow us to grow closer to God and to give purpose to our loss thereby uncovering the truth of the loss and turning it into spiritual gain.

Saint Hedwig further said, "Our lives are His; our will is whatever He is pleased to ordain, whether our death or that of our friends."

Merciful Father, through the intercession of St. Hedwig, grant us total trust in Your Holy Will.  _Magnificat

Beasts wild and tame, Praise the Lord!         Psalm 148

God gave this little dog to us as a gift.

Rather it is He Who gives to everyone life and breath and everything.  Acts 17:24-25

Page 391 Magnificat May 2014 issue:
O God, Creator and Redeemer, You are the Author of being and of life.  Inspire in us a spirit of praise, that we may give you glory in everything we think, say and do, through Jesus Christ Our Lord.  Amen   

I pray that my grief for Elle gives glory to God.  We need the Spirit of Truth to guide our rebellious human spirits.
Trying to remember: HE COMES TO THE DOCILE.

May 30th
Early in the morning during barn chores I wondered about something God had told me a few years ago.  I had asked Him why He would allow me to love my horse so much if only to have her die and vanish someday, like a common soap bubble.  Would God use a living creature for all it's worth and then......pfffffft!?!
He assured me, with these words received as an inner locution:
"I take nothing from you".

I continued to ponder if that meant what I originally thought was that all animals He created go to Heaven when they die.  But now, a new thought entered my grieving mind:  He takes nothing from me because I never had anything to take, it was always His to do as He wanted.  Had I just thought I had been given something?  I began to feel frustrated, but based on experiences of lessons learned, I knew to put it on hold until God decided, if ever, to address the subject further with me.

Later as I read the devotions in the Magnificat for the day this scripture was given:

Everything that the Father has is mine, for this reason I told you that He will take from what is mine and declare it to you.           John 16: 12-15

Again, I am humbled by His everlasting arm and marvel at how compassionate and caring He is towards His children.


Perhaps you will ask how can I imitate Jesus as He is God and I am misery?  by the Spirit that dwells in you, you can acheive holiness.  As God's child.  An heir to the Kingdom by the Savior's gifts. (Magnificat).

 June 14, 2014
The look in her eyes says goodbye and I love you.  Her eyes indicate her resolve to accept that she is dying.  A sadness and serious attempt to connect to me before she goes.  Sadness because she must go, but seriousness because she wants me to remember how much she loves me as this will have to last until we meet again in Heaven.
I am nauseated with sorrow.  Everything hurts ten times more under the roof of grief.   She feels like she is full of sawdust, but it is cancerous tumors and the hardening of her flesh and organs.  This all seems like a nightmare.

Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected when received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the invocation of God in prayer.  Timothy 4:4

"cherries are small, but as soon as you have a ripe one you immediately realize how much goodness can be contained in something so small"  _Fr. Sullivan

SOMETIMES THE SMALLEST THINGS TAKE UP THE MOST ROOM IN OUR HEARTS. 

June 29, 2014 We had to have Elle put to sleep.  She died in my arms.  My husband and I sobbed and spent the rest of the day walking around sniffling and trying to be strong for each other.  I spent a lot of time in the barn hugging my horses.  They seemed to understand.
In the weeks that followed I've had a tooth extraction, a sinus infection and several bad colds.  I must have gone through a stack of tissues 10 feet high.  I've found myself talking to toads, tree frogs, the neighbor's dogs, bugs and the like as if they were my very own babies.
It's been quite a summer and the only place I really find a break from my grief is on the lake.  Which is a first for me.
My husband bought me a kayak and I've been spending time out on the lake.  I would have never guessed this would come about, but out there on the lake, I feel a sense of space and calm and for that I am grateful.  The exercise has helped with my depression tremendously!

Soon, we will be adopting a new dog.  Her name is Lacey.  She, as was Elle, is a rescue dog.  I went to meet her last week, we locked eyes and I fell in love with her.  Meanwhile, I pray to St. Francis for a smooth transition and his blessing.

Every spring the barn swallows return to my barn to bring up their young.  "Hello!"  I am excited to see last year's babies come back to their old homestead to raise new families.   When I enter the barn to feed the horses, they stay up in their nests and watch me.  Once in awhile, they'll flit out, but for the most part I feel they trust me and so they stay rested.  I feel honored to be trusted and known by them.

I pray for their safety as they seem so very vulnerable, just like us.  All they want is to take care of their children and each other.  

Somewhere on this earth, if possible, safe keeping just has to exist!   I yearn for their well being and find my heart longing for Heaven where no one thing suffers.   If only for a tiny bit of time, I pray these birds can rest inside where they are warm and dry  and have plenty to eat.

 

 

Barn Swallows

Coffee colored specks on chalky white shells

beneath the nest and among the droppings

 a constellation of sorts

splattered spring after spring

on a cool cement floor.

Another notch on life's belt.

 

 

Reflecting the span of time's passing I find myself floating above the barn where

the swallows dart,

"Lord, are you there?"

"Where am I, what am I, where are You, What are You,

why, how?"

To comfort my own caged soul, I leave the barn door open

day and night to tend to the swallow's freedom.

All I ask dear tenants of the barn

is to keep my horses company.

 

Thank you for answering God's call to be

Barn Swallows.

For anyone who struggles with Hereditary Peripheral Neuropathy you know that come morning you can wake up an entirely different person than you were the night before.  This morning I woke up feeling neuropathic (my word), which means I feel sluggish, heavy and a tad disoriented.  Doing my morning chores becomes a major challenge and I get a bit cranky about it.
The cold and snow do not help.
After years of dealing with HPN, I have learned that you cannot give in to it.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and think about anything that might make you smile.  Pray!!!   Remember that it will pass!  Know that putting up with oneself is not an easy task!
Pushing oneself not to give in to despair has it's rewards as I did managed to make it to morning mass inspite of myself.
The readings were about "a change of heart".  Father John said sometimes we as spouses, friends, etc., can influence a change of heart, for the good as well as sometimes, for the bad.
I really thought hard about that!  I don't want to change another person's heart towards the bad because of the way I treat them, even if I have somewhat of an excuse due to illness.
But what of the illness?  Why let it rob me of even more?!!!!
When I got home I found a note from my husband who had cleaned up the kitchen while I was gone.  He said he hoped I had a better day and that he loved me.
My husband's kindness turned my heart towards God, love, hope and the feeling of being accepted, warts and all.
It's been about 5 hours now since I woke up.  Friends at mass were so kind.  My husband was so good to me.  I got a call from a dear friend telling me about an art exhibit I should go see which all fed my energy and lifted my soul.
My heart is turned toward God and I feel better physically, mentally and spiritually.

                                               George and Nancy enjoying a corn/hay casserole.

                                                A sparrow enjoying breakfast on the front porch.

True Peace and Inward Trust

When I least expect it, an unsettling feeling creeps up on me and stays.  Call it worry, fret or hormones; it robs me of my peace.  I also feel a little guilty for my lack of trust in God.  At times, my fear seems bigger than my trust. 
I get rattled and ponder the heaviness of life and how it can be so overwhelming.
Yet, there are directions.

Chapter 23, page 147 in the "Imitation of Christ":
To enter the abode of true peace and inward trust one must seek to do the will of another rather than his own.  Always choose to have fewer riches rather than more.  Always seek the lowest place and desire to be subject to all.  Always wish for and pray that the will of God be accomplished in you.



This really works!

This morning I was reflecting on a dream I had about 3 years ago.  It was a dream of a huge bible that opened up before me and a light shown down on the verse Hebrews 11:8.   I've been wondering about this for 3 years.  This morning I decided to find out what the readings were for this coming sunday and sure enough, Hebrews 11:8 is within the 2nd reading.  It's a reading about faith and about how temporary this life is, but to keep our eyes on Heaven; the promise land.
If I could do anything I wanted today, I'd go to St. Joe's and sit in front of the Holy Tabernacle and just be with God in that special way so that all my fragmented inner parts would softly go back together and peace would prevail in my mind and spirit.
Instead though, I have to go to the grocery store, do laundry and clean, bake, cook, etc., but I'm trusting I can find time with God in doing these chores with order, patience and reflection.  I'll try my best.

Here is Our Lady's last message to "non-believers" she gives on the 2nd of each month.  I'm not sure why "non-believers" are addressed this way.......maybe it's folks who have not yet taken God at His Word and just go for it?  Not sure, but at any rate, there is love there for those who wish to partake of It.




August 02, 2013 "Dear children, If only you would open your hearts to me with complete trust, you would comprehend everything. You would comprehend with how much love I am calling you; with how much love I desire to change you, to make you happy; with how much love I desire to make you followers of my Son and give you peace in the fullness of my Son. You would comprehend the immeasurable greatness of my motherly love. That is why, my children, pray because through prayer your faith grows and love is born, the love along which even the cross is not unendurable because you do not carry it alone. In union with my Son you glorify the name of the Heavenly Father. Pray, pray for the gift of love, because love is the only truth: it forgives everything, it serves everyone and it sees a brother in everyone. My children, my apostles, great is the trust that the Heavenly Father has given you through me, His handmaid, to help those who do not know Him, that they may reconcile with Him and follow Him. That is why I am teaching you love, because only if you have love will you be able to respond to Him. Again I am calling you to love your shepherds and to pray that, at this difficult time, the name of my Son may be glorified under their guidance. Thank you." 08/02/2013


(via the seers of Medjugore)+

PEACE BE WITH YOU♥ 

Summer blues

It seems like every summer I get SADS "seasonal affective disorder syndrome".  Most folks get it in the winter, I know.  But, alas, it is here in full bloom like the algae in Lake Erie.  I have tried to deal with it the best I can by remembering what I have learned from past episodes.  Even praying is difficult but I trudge onward.  
I have these wild and ferocious ideas to just scrap everything in my art studio and have a huge bonfire and experience total freedom.
I imagine myself doing this in a fit of rage and then having a huge cry afterwards that would last for hours.  Drama queen.
I have not followed through with this self made path of destruction and fall back on trying my best to imitate the virtues of Our Lady.  I can't see Her having a coniption fit, but I can see Her waiting out the storm doing something constructive that would help others. 
That other voice in my head says, "yeah, but that is all you do now: cooking and cleaning.
It does seem like that is all I do, but I have to remember to do little things with great love and to remember what Blessed Mother Theresa said about how it all comes down to you and God at the end of the day
.
"So, what did you do with your day today?"

I sat and stared out the window,
I tried to pray and read Your Book,
I watched reruns of the Housewives of Orange County, Jersey, and some other locations I can't recall,
I spoke grumpy to my husband and looked for everything wrong in what he did today, and brought it to his attention,
I asked You to have patience and pity for me and apologized a few times for being such a wreck,
I worried about money,
I did notice how blessed I am but ruined it with how soon it could all change for the worse,
in the end I accept this phase as from Your Hands and trust You with it and wonder what it is You are teaching me.
I miss our priest who is on retreat and haven't been to daily mass in his absence yet, take good care of him please.
So, basically, that is what I have done with my day.

"Remember when you asked Me if I loved mosquitoes?  I said yes, I do because they have always done what I made them to do: be mosquitoes."


You made all things for Jesus and He holds it all together for our sake.  I'll try not to make His job any harder.  Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to be a better me.  Love you,
me.

Stay

 Every morning, after feeding the horses, I make a trip out to my garden.  Sometimes, I write with my gloved finger a message to Our Lady.  From me to Her.  I usually have something on my heart I need to go over with Her.
For a long while now I have felt like our country is at war, within itself.  Seems like now, children are committing serious crimes and as well are victims of serious crimes.
Everything is a grievous mess.  I wrote the word "stay" on the bench in front of Our Lady's statue.  Imagining Her looking down from Heaven, reading it.  I was pleading with Her not to stop appearing in Medjugore, not to give up on us and I reminded Her of Her promise not to abandon us on this journey.
After kneeling and praying a Hail Mary, I rose up and went to walk away to continue with the morning chores and I felt a gentle nudge at my soul saying to me: "Stay with Me, do not give up on Us, do not abandon your faith.  Stay!"

Yes Mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WILL stay!!!!!! I will NOT give up on Heaven and I will NOT abandon my faith!!!  I will stay and fight for God as long as He allows me to breathe!!!!

A new surge of hope filled my entire being and I felt encouraged and ready to serve with less questions, just actions of love.  That is how we serve, in humility, simplicity.....acts of love and kindness.  Just like the song says, "Trust and Obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey."

MESSAGE OF FEBRUARY 25, 2013 from Our Lady:
"Dear Children! Also today I call you to prayer. Sin is pulling you towards worldly things and I have come to lead you towards holiness and the things of God, but you are struggling and spending your energies in the battle with the good and the evil that are in you.  Therefore, little children, pray, pray, pray until prayer becomes a joy for you and your life will become a simple walk towards God.  Thank you for having responded to my call".