Friday, April 22, 2011

Firm Faith

This morning I was reading my e-mail and came across a message from a site I visit often; Sometimes, the things said on this site scare me, shake my trust, etc. Then, I have to pray through all my fear and grope my way back to the peace of Jesus. It's not the fault of the website I mentioned, it's MY fear. When I read or hear talk about disaster pending or severe punishment from God because we are all so terribly sinful, or when they talk about financial collapse and how we are all so vulnerable, I find myself literally shaking. Please understand I am not being critical of this website. I'm not being critical in any respect. I'm trying to understand my own fear because I have made the worse mistakes of life when I reacted out of fear. It's a red flag for me to STOP and run to Jesus and Mary to seek truth. Truth about why I am fearful. Mostly I think it is because I lack trust in my Savior and it pains me to admit that. Also, it's my history. If you have experienced severe calamity as I have, the sounds of distant rumble causes a knee jerk reaction to believe this engulfing fear is real and is right here, right now. At the very first inkling of fear, I freeze, my heart pounds and my mind stops working. When my mind starts up again it is engulfed in darkness. I search for light. I find that I usually cry out to Our Lady, who ALWAYS comes to my rescue. Usually the first light of help are the words, "Wait upon the Lord". Okay, I can wait. I may be nauseated with fear, but I can wait. In searching for a word of hope, I came across a message of Our Lady dated May 2, 2007. She said to give Her our hearts and to do so with complete trust and without fear. She said that then we would see the world with different eyes. We would see our neighbor. His pain and suffering and we would not turn our heads from those who suffer because Her Son turns His Head from those who do so. I know this all takes time to sink in, unless of course, God chooses otherwise. Most of the time, it takes awhile for our brains to comprehend what our hearts yearn for; God. The dark lies, the horrific visions and thoughts that enter my mind when fear attacks are crippling. As I understand from other spiritual readings, this is when Jesus is closest to us. Even if the world economy collapses and everything we worked for (savings, retirement, housing, etc.) is lost in an instant..........okay, so if it is? then what? We actually think we know what will happen after that? What if because of that dreadful scenario those who you love so much would find God? What if, because of the disaster, your country would rise with each person coming out of this rubble with a heart of gold, filled with love? And I mean, true Godly love! Actually, the future predicted by Our Lady of Medjugore is the world returns to God. Our children will grow up in a time of peace. What is needed is trust. Yes, I know and agree, that is what is needed. It's just that, my body tries to tell me there is no hope and to prepare to die. That is a tough message to ignore, especially when it comes from my own brain and trembling hands. I think about how I would feel if my daughter was frightened and I knew what she was so scared about was not only untrue but destroying her faith, I would try my best to assure her. Being a mother has helped me understand so much about God being our Father, Jesus being our Savior and Our Lady being our Mom. I relate by focusing on how I would not give my daughter a stone if she asked me for bread. That helps me get back on the truth track. (breathing helps too)!