Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Farewell sweet fish friends

Co-existing with nature and neighbors. Interesting concept. Something, obviously, I need to learn. When you think about it, we have no choice but to trust each other, and when there is failure, to forgive and even help.
This was my pond a couple weeks ago.
My neighbor west of our home, had filled in a field drain when he had his pond dug, even tho my husband and neighbor to the east, asked him to please be careful not to.But he did it anyway. He's moved, too.
What does this mean? It means that after the big rain we had last week, ours and a few other neighbors yards flooded with water that normally would have flowed thru the field drain and then into a drainage ditch way, way down the road.
Instead water has sat for days in the hot sun, cooking the grass it is drowning, making a mosquito haven and causing quite an unpleasant odor. It killed my neighbor's garden and eventually the rotting vegitation water found it's way into our pond and killed all our fish. Now, the pond is black and our fish are lying dead on the edges.
(Elle & I used to visit the pond 4-5 times a day)
I am heartbroken. They were like pets to us, especially the Koi. We had twelve and they were all unbelievably beautiful and tame.
We had to watch them slowly die from suffocation.
(I'm glad I took pics of them while they were alive & well).
I've talked to several "government officials" who told us:
1. there is nothing they can do to help
2. it's a civil matter and I need a lawyer, but to keep in mind drainage cases take about seven years to resolve.
So, here's the plan; trust that everyone involved will chip in and help resolve this matter, peacefully. No hard feelings. Just neighbors co-existing with each other.
I am fighting another battle and that's the one inside my head that wants to get mad and say to hell with it. I'll never, ever do one more stupid improvement to my property and as soon as I can I am out of this one horse town, I'm gone. I want to tell off the people in their elected positions that are supposed to help us (tax payers) and ask them what IS it that they CAN do? Besides sit behind their desk eating snicker bars and surfing the net?
One last thought before I totally bum myself out:
Inside every problem there is a gift.
I will try to search for this gift instead of looking at the devastation.
I'll let you know if I find it.
I wonder if I'll ever sit and watch the sunset here again or not? I guess it was supposed to be, or it would not.....be.
Lord, help me not to fight reality but to count my many blessings.

Friday, August 17, 2007

A Mess of Things

My studio has become very uncomfortable. I feel like I've painted myself with junk into a corner. I sit down to work and I think, "geez, what a bloody mess." Then for the next 1/2 hour or so, I'll stare out the window.
And that's when I get the idea I'd better do something worthwhile, which stresses me out.
Even my dog wants out of there.
So, I leave the studio in search of something I can do to show for my time. And if that doesn't work I panic and think stuff like; I'm wasting time, or worse, I'm running out of time and then the very worse? it doesn't matter.
Oy! What a TERRIBLE thought!!!!!
Everything DOES matter. God is in the details, I know this from my own experience.
That's what so cool about blogging. You can figure stuff out you would never have tackled because blogging puts you with likewise minded folk. And even if no one reads the blog and/or responds, you still feel like everyone is listening!
"all eyes on me", lolololo!!!!
Meanwhile, back at the studio................
I have THREE large drawing tables, which take up an enormous amount of space. I will take one to the cabin, along with some other items that I can spare. I've been wanting to set up a little studio spot at the cabin for awhile, & that's what I'll do by george.
My, this blog is so self centered! My only compensation is that maybe somebody will enjoy my struggles as an everyday housewife/artist.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Questioning Thoughts

I've been reading books by Byron Katie. It all started with a prayer; is reality better than fantasy?
Is it?
I went to the internet and just typed "staying in reality" and a web site was provided: thework.com
It was very informative and taught me a heck of a lot! To question my thoughts. I understand her to say that our brains tend to believe it's thoughts.
For example, I have been filled to the brim with the spirit of fear ever since my son died. The list is endless. One biggie was believing I could keep my daughter from dying, too, if I did this, that, or whatever.
I never thought to think: is it true? is it absolutely true if I don't let her out of my sight she will be okay?
Is it true, if I pick her up at the bus stop everyday nobody will hurt her?
Alex is almost 24 now. This started when she was 4 years old.
Ever since 8/13/87 I had been trying to outsmart any fatal mistakes that could befall her.
I've been in a fear hell hole for 20 years.
I'm on my way out. I didn't understand that I was suffering because I refused to live in realtiy.
Realtiy is where God is!
Last thursday the news broadcasted an upcoming storm that could produce tornadoes. First thought, came with an image: Alex could get killed, so could Lane, or me, our house could be demolished. I even saw myself coming up the basement stairs out of the wreckage that used to be our house to my husband's relief that Elle and I were still alive.
Here's the question: Is it true? Can I absolutely know that if a storm hits this area all that will happen?
And, pay attention to this: WHO WOULD I BE IF I DID NOT HAVE THIS BELIEF?
Who would I be?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd be a happy camper. I'd be watching the storm as would be the responsible thing to do. But not in a shaking panic that would make me literally sick.
So much crap has happened in my mind that is a million times worse than what could happen in realtiy.
If something rotten happens, it was supposed to, or it wouldn't happen. How can I believe that God does not have control over tragic events, yet knows how many hairs are on my head?
Everything happens for our freedom.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not believed all those thousands upon thousands of fear filled thoughts? Most of them would effect me physically as well as mentally. This was tough on my family, too.
The reality is I don't even know for sure I'll still be alive by the time I get this posting typed.
I used to think because of what happened to my son I had lost my sense of false security, because I knew that anything could happen, because it did, to me. I figured everybody else takes comfort in thinking, "that would never happen to me because I do this, that or whatever."
People thought Jody got shot because my husband is a hunter and a policeman. They took comfort in that. I saw it in their eyes when they were told this information. A sense of relief came over them.
I remember feeling so isolated and angry.
But that was then, and this is now.
I'm in now.
ps. check out this photo of the storm I was dealing with!