Not knowing what to do, how to help, fight for and rescue a loved one from the grips of illness tests my faith. It makes me think about how difficult it really is to let go and allow God to be God. My thoughts run amok and take my heart for a roller coaster ride. I become exhausted and find myself crying when doing the dishes, folding clothes, sweeping the floor or staring out the window.
I have said goodbye to quite a few loved ones and each time I am presented with another goodbye, all the previous ones come back to add their tears and memories to the present.
This is part of loving someone. Saying yes to God, "I'll take this one home".....until You really take her home.
I think a person who would read this would think I am talking about a human's demise, not a horse. Until I owned a horse, I would have never understood why anyone would give so much of themselves to an animal. I am convinced that having animals in my life has taught me a lesson about love that I would have never learned any other way.
When you drive down the road and see cows, sheep, horses, dogs, cats, birds; what do you see? I see feelings, personalities, cares and concerns, preferences of food, babies wanting their mommies, orneriness, freedom to fly and loving it. I see in animals what I see in people, a need to be loved, protected and cared for.
I was raised with hunters and my husband is a hunter. Do I like this? No, not at all, but it has taught me to accept another's way even if I cannot understand it. I try not to assume my way is the right way because it makes sense to me. We are all mostly ignorant, even when we think we know we often make ourselves ridiculous when we talk.
Bottom line? There is a bottom line and that is: all we have is the Mercy of God and each one of us relies on that Mercy. I cannot say it is possible that this person or that person may not need His Mercy. I see, we all need it, whether human or animal, it's all any of us really have. And, based on my personal experience, that Mercy is a Gift from God and is called, Jesus.
When I say, "personal experience", that means what has occurred in my life has validated the Presence of Jesus, what I learn at Church or read in scripture also validates His Presence. When I am at Mass, I feel: "Ah yes, it is YOU!!" I recognize Him there in the Mass, because He is there in my barn, in my car, in my soul! Everywhere, I recognize Him in scripture as well as in a stranger's face. Same Guy, it's Him.
I'm going to be okay! Sighing, I feel more centered after typing my feelings out on this computer. I would have said all this in my journal, but I'm so tired I can't get up the energy to go find it, besides, Lacey is sound asleep on my lap.
