Monday, August 13, 2007

Questioning Thoughts

I've been reading books by Byron Katie. It all started with a prayer; is reality better than fantasy?
Is it?
I went to the internet and just typed "staying in reality" and a web site was provided:
It was very informative and taught me a heck of a lot! To question my thoughts. I understand her to say that our brains tend to believe it's thoughts.
For example, I have been filled to the brim with the spirit of fear ever since my son died. The list is endless. One biggie was believing I could keep my daughter from dying, too, if I did this, that, or whatever.
I never thought to think: is it true? is it absolutely true if I don't let her out of my sight she will be okay?
Is it true, if I pick her up at the bus stop everyday nobody will hurt her?
Alex is almost 24 now. This started when she was 4 years old.
Ever since 8/13/87 I had been trying to outsmart any fatal mistakes that could befall her.
I've been in a fear hell hole for 20 years.
I'm on my way out. I didn't understand that I was suffering because I refused to live in realtiy.
Realtiy is where God is!
Last thursday the news broadcasted an upcoming storm that could produce tornadoes. First thought, came with an image: Alex could get killed, so could Lane, or me, our house could be demolished. I even saw myself coming up the basement stairs out of the wreckage that used to be our house to my husband's relief that Elle and I were still alive.
Here's the question: Is it true? Can I absolutely know that if a storm hits this area all that will happen?
And, pay attention to this: WHO WOULD I BE IF I DID NOT HAVE THIS BELIEF?
Who would I be?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd be a happy camper. I'd be watching the storm as would be the responsible thing to do. But not in a shaking panic that would make me literally sick.
So much crap has happened in my mind that is a million times worse than what could happen in realtiy.
If something rotten happens, it was supposed to, or it wouldn't happen. How can I believe that God does not have control over tragic events, yet knows how many hairs are on my head?
Everything happens for our freedom.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not believed all those thousands upon thousands of fear filled thoughts? Most of them would effect me physically as well as mentally. This was tough on my family, too.
The reality is I don't even know for sure I'll still be alive by the time I get this posting typed.
I used to think because of what happened to my son I had lost my sense of false security, because I knew that anything could happen, because it did, to me. I figured everybody else takes comfort in thinking, "that would never happen to me because I do this, that or whatever."
People thought Jody got shot because my husband is a hunter and a policeman. They took comfort in that. I saw it in their eyes when they were told this information. A sense of relief came over them.
I remember feeling so isolated and angry.
But that was then, and this is now.
I'm in now.
ps. check out this photo of the storm I was dealing with!

1 comment:

Karen said...

Wow. What an amazing post.

I've never experienced the kind of loss you write about, but I lived most of my life following every little thought out to its (il)logical conclusion. I'd see a squirrel dead on the road, and I'd start thinking about what if one of the kids got hit by a car? What would it look like? etc.

I didn't realize that other people didn't live that way until I started to take anti-depressants after Jenny's birth seven years ago. I don't like being on them, but oh, my, it has made a difference for me.

I'm going to go to the site you mentioned. I like the questions you're asking.