Friday, March 27, 2009

Bursting into life from the dirt

I read somewhere without dirt, flowers cannot grow. I relate to this.
Something wonderful happened to me, something really wonderful. Ever since my son died, I've been plagued with horrific thoughts and images in my mind's eye. They've escalated over the years and taken form of crippling daytime nightmares. They became so real that my body reacted before I realized what was happening.
I was exhausted and agitated from this and feeling isolated as it seemed only I was dealing with this, while everyone else is busy chattering away, I'm sitting there seeing bloodshed and sensing my heart racing and my breathing stopped. A couple weeks ago on the way to Mass I asked my husband to pray for me during mass to help me with these visions, I told him I was exhausted. Exhausted in my mind, my spirit and my body. I was about at the end of my rope. This had been going on since 1987 and was progressively getting worse. When we go to mass, before it begins, we say prayers and just settle ourselves to quiet. I began praying to God about this problem of mine and I told Him there was no need to remind me to "not be fearful", that I may as well be told to go out and kiss the back end of a yellow Volkswagen rabbit. That's what I was whispering in prayer, not my words tho. I sat back in my pew and my husband asked me what was the matter. I told him I thought God was trying to remind me not to forget humor. He said that made sense to him. We both chuckled. Later in the Mass, after Holy Communion, I did hear Jesus tell me, and no mistake about it, He said, "I see everything you see". I felt something inside me collapse, like a dark thick wall, just crumble into dust. I hadn't realized how all alone in my own private world of terror that played out in my mind I had been all these years. I didn't realize how isolated I felt from others, even if they were right beside me. I haven't had a problem since with this torment of mind stuff. I feel very happy and light inside my soul. It was a miracle, to me, that God healed me in such an intimate way and let me know He was in "it" with me, and always will be. I face nothing alone.
Nor do you, or anyone else.
I believe praying the Rosary and The Divine Chaplet helped pave the way to this healing.
A few days after all of this, I went to Confession and dumped out the rest of the trash that had gathered in the corners of my soul trying to grow mold.
"A clean heart, create in me, O Lord!"
Yes! a clean heart! Soul scrubbing can be wonderfully painful once you realized how sin had deadened you. Feeling the pain of cleaning is welcomed.
I'm grateful I feel the pain of remorse for my sins. Without that pain I don't think one can experience the joy of gratitude to Christ for our salvation. The elation of knowing you've been rescued, that you've not been forgotten or passed over because of your sins, that you were loved all along, reaffirms that being a part of the Body of Christ is truly LIFE.

1 comment:

PJ said...

so true:)

nice post.It inspired me quite a lot:)