Monday, May 11, 2009

Moving Forward, clean or dirty!!!

Ever wonder where you went wrong? But at the time, it didn't seem wrong? I can remember one, that for some reason came to my mind today. It was years and years ago.
It wasn't too long after my son died and I was trying to cope with doing everyday things.
I had put a little black/white t.v. on the kitchen table and let it play in order to keep me from thinking. All day, my daughter and I watched I Love Lucy, Andy Griffith and Mr. Ed. I couldn't tolerate the loud, noisy shows on regular channels, (they shocked my soul.)
One early evening I was setting the table and saw only 3 plates, instead of 4. Four chairs but only 3 place settings.
And that was then it all started, with this one thought, "my family is inadequate."
This thought was cancerous, extremely malignant and spread to every corner of my brain. And that is how I began believing other thoughts of "who cares, what does it matter anyway, I'm no good, I can't do this", etc., etc. I wish I had listened to the other little voice that said, "investigate this thought, you know it's not right."
Oh no. That would have been too easy and I love learning things the hard way.
I just didn't connect the dots till this morning when I was putting down 4 clean placemats, even though, still, only 3 are needed.
I have come to accept my little family of 3 as adequate. I am proud to be the wife/mother of this family. And we are busy, prolific and good people.
I had been asking God, a lot, lately what made me screw up in life so much? or why did I fail at this or that? why, why, why??????
This is my answer: I believed the thought my family was inadequate. I basically, without really understanding it, told God, "hey, hate to tell you this but I'm not happy with only 3". And that was the beginning of my unhappy journey of feeling inadequate, believing I was not good enough and basically a heavy weight around who's ever neck had to put up with me.
I believed it, like it was a religion: I was NOT good enough, at anything or for anything.
Nowadays, I am utterly amazed at how important it is to pray. Pray, when you don't feel like it. Say sloppy prayers if you have to. Just try. And question the source of thoughts.
Ask for the gift of discernment of spirits.
Years ago Jesus TOLD me to ask for this.
Right afterwards I thought, "oh swell, that's the one I DON'T want." (I'll explain this in another post)!
So, if you believe that God has rendered you inadequate you'll have a really hard time when mud is thrown at you like, mid-life crisis, deaths, demotions, criticism, rejection, failing grades, being excluded. I could list examples a mile long which feeds into this inadequacy attitude, and how it all becomes a concrete part of who you are and how you see yourself.
As for me, I am on a non-ending course of healing. I guess life is just that.
So what do these mud covered bikes on top of a pristine clean car got to do with it?
I'm seeing Divine Mercy carrying His mud covered sheep forward! God teaches us ALL the time!
Oh! speaking of sheep, while you are here, look at our black sheep Betty.

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