Today, Our Lady of Fatima

This Mother of fair love will take away from your heart all scruple and all disorder of servile fear. She will open and enlarge it to run the way of her Son's commandments (Ps. 118:32) with the holy liberty of the children of God. She will introduce into it pure love, of which she has the treasure, so that you shall no longer be guided by fear, as hitherto, in your dealings with the God of charity, but by love alone. You will look on Him as your good Father, whom you will be incessantly trying to please and with whom you will converse confidently, as a child with its tender father. If, unfortunately, you offend Him, you will at once humble yourself before Him. You will ask His pardon with great lowliness, but at the same time you will stretch your hand out to Him with simplicity, and you will raise yourself up lovingly, without trouble or disquietude, and go on your way to Him without discouragement.

(taken from "True Devotion To Mary" by St. Louis DeMontfort) regarding the "Wonderful Effects" of devotion to Our Lady, and was entitled: Deliverance from Scruples, Cares and Fears.

One of my favorite messages of Fatima is that in the end, Her Immaculate Heart will Reign.

that's a relief!!!!

Moving Forward, clean or dirty!!!

Ever wonder where you went wrong? But at the time, it didn't seem wrong? I can remember one, that for some reason came to my mind today. It was years and years ago.

It wasn't too long after my son died and I was trying to cope with doing everyday things.

I had put a little black/white t.v. on the kitchen table and let it play in order to keep me from thinking. All day, my daughter and I watched I Love Lucy, Andy Griffith and Mr. Ed. I couldn't tolerate the loud, noisy shows on regular channels, (they shocked my soul.)

One early evening I was setting the table and saw only 3 plates, instead of 4. Four chairs but only 3 place settings.

And that was then it all started, with this one thought, "my family is inadequate."

This thought was cancerous, extremely malignant and spread to every corner of my brain. And that is how I began believing other thoughts of "who cares, what does it matter anyway, I'm no good, I can't do this", etc., etc. I wish I had listened to the other little voice that said, "investigate this thought, you know it's not right."

Oh no. That would have been too easy and I love learning things the hard way.

I just didn't connect the dots till this morning when I was putting down 4 clean placemats, even though, still, only 3 are needed.

I have come to accept my little family of 3 as adequate. I am proud to be the wife/mother of this family. And we are busy, prolific and good people.

I had been asking God, a lot, lately what made me screw up in life so much? or why did I fail at this or that? why, why, why??????

This is my answer: I believed the thought my family was inadequate. I basically, without really understanding it, told God, "hey, hate to tell you this but I'm not happy with only 3". And that was the beginning of my unhappy journey of feeling inadequate, believing I was not good enough and basically a heavy weight around who's ever neck had to put up with me.

I believed it, like it was a religion: I was NOT good enough, at anything or for anything.

Nowadays, I am utterly amazed at how important it is to pray. Pray, when you don't feel like it. Say sloppy prayers if you have to. Just try. And question the source of thoughts.

Ask for the gift of discernment of spirits.

Years ago Jesus TOLD me to ask for this.

Right afterwards I thought, "oh swell, that's the one I DON'T want." (I'll explain this in another post)!

So, if you believe that God has rendered you inadequate you'll have a really hard time when mud is thrown at you like, mid-life crisis, deaths, demotions, criticism, rejection, failing grades, being excluded. I could list examples a mile long which feeds into this inadequacy attitude, and how it all becomes a concrete part of who you are and how you see yourself.

As for me, I am on a non-ending course of healing. I guess life is just that.

So what do these mud covered bikes on top of a pristine clean car got to do with it?

I'm seeing Divine Mercy carrying His mud covered sheep forward! God teaches us ALL the time!

Oh! speaking of sheep, while you are here, look at our black sheep Betty.

Why sweat it?

I haven't been in an art making frame of mind lately.

Lent this year was powerful for me and I've spent most of my free time praying. I'm determined to discipline myself to pray and as each day passes, I feel my soul soaking up the energy praying provides.

How I understand it, is like this; conversion comes in stages. Like kindergarten through high school. I was held back a couple times because I wasn't paying attention, I'd rather play than pray. Being in charge, making my own rules and banking on getting by with the skin of my teeth, after all I know I'm going to Heaven, so why sweat it so? That was my mind in playtime, or a perpetual recess if you will.

Here's why you want to sweat it TONS and pray, pray, pray and make gigantic efforts to get as close to God as possible: because a soul estranged from God hurts Him, and your life becomes dark. You lose your way and before you know it, it feels (I repeat: feels) like all hope has vanished from your heart.

And if the evil one gets his way, you'll believe all hope is lost.

Okay so, you are sitting in the back of the room facing the wall wearing the dunce cap and feel like crap. Now what?

Ask for help. If you can't ask for help in detail, just say Jesus. Keep saying His Name.

After I had fallen away and had to wear the dunce cap, I went to confession. The priest asked me what was it I wanted from the Church? I just broke down, sobbed and could barely answer "I want to come home".

The priest said, "if you can't meet God 1/2 way, He'll come the rest of the way".

Confession is the best way to get rid of a dunce hat. How so? After you've made your heartfelt confession you realize that you are a child of God. You realize God never left you and went on vacation to leave you fend for yourself. A child of God doesn't need to go about as a cone head.

But, ya gotta ask.

Which, takes humility.

Anyway, so now how to do I feel? Grateful. I'm no longer drenched in fear and it's a lot easier to smile.

I think I may feel these things I'm saying so deeply because God became real to me when my son died. But, after a few years went by, I decide I didn't like the pain of my son's absence, so I needed to distract myself from all that pain. You see, it doesn't take much to mess up because we all lack love in our hearts, and I just fell hook line and sinker into complacency and sloth (to name a few). I was being a brat. I didn't think I mattered all that much.

(No wonder God tells us to be on guard!)

But you see, from the beginning of my conversion in 1987 Our Lady worked and worked to lead me to Jesus. And now I am in the class where you learn to live that Jesus Christ is THE Savior. And it just so happens He is the Teacher of this class. Works out great.

Do you know, those words turn people off? "Jesus Christ is my Savior" Tell a stranger this and they'll most likely roll their eyes at you and try very hard to avoid you. Hey, it doesn't need to be a stranger, it could be your friends or family just as well.

Tough, too bad! it's my truth, my life and I'm not holding back to be politically correct. This is serious business folks! I'm spending the rest of my life thinking about what pleases God, not phony progressiveness or whatever one identifies as up to date in accordance with today's thinking.

I don't think being able to please everybody will help you love them. You just end up depleted.

Ever cry in gratitude that you made everyone happy?

Speaking of tears, I try not to cry in mass, sometimes I manage, sometimes not. But when I think of how awful it is to "feel" lost, and knowing I am in the folds of Our Lady's mantel, that I'm getting ready to receive Jesus in the Holy Sacrament.....that I am THERE in mass.... I become overwhelmed with gratitude. Simply overwhelmed. And it fills my heart with love. I don't ever want to be a dunce again!!!!

Today at mass, I started thinking how not too long ago I was afraid to go outdoors and get my mail, let alone drive all the way to the church.

Fear is useless! And that's putting it mildly!

Picture this; Our Lady got me by the ear, sat me down and said: PRAY.

Oh, what a beautiful Mother we all have. Even if you are a Baptist, She is your Mother. (And I can say that because I was Baptist at the time my son died and Our Lady helped me.)

I'll end with the message of Our Lady Of Medjugore dated 3/25/09:

"Dear children! In this time of spring, when everything is awakening from the winter sleep, you also awaken your souls with prayer so that they may be ready to receive the light of the risen Jesus. Little children, may He draw you closer to His Heart so that you may become open to eternal life. I pray for you and intercede before the Most High for your sincere conversion. Thank you for having responded to my call"

Thanks Mom!

Powerful Art in the Home

This picture of Jesus was on my parents bedroom dresser for as long as I can remember. Now, it's on my mantel. I always tell people to think carefully about what sort of art they place in their homes, as it lives on in children's minds for a very long time. My mom made sure there were images of Jesus in our home. When I became a mom, I understood why! We need all of Heaven's help to get our children safely into Our Lord's arms. Even if they stray, it is promised that they will find their way back. That happened to me. I strayed,... several times. Mostly to escape my emotional pain and consequently made my life and those around me even worse. I've finally learned how to learn from my mistakes. Whenever I see this verse, I remember when I was that smoldering wick. Isaiah 42:3 A bruised reed he shall not break, and a smoldering wick he shall not quench... Have a blessed Easter!

Bursting into life from the dirt

I read somewhere without dirt, flowers cannot grow. I relate to this.

Something wonderful happened to me, something really wonderful. Ever since my son died, I've been plagued with horrific thoughts and images in my mind's eye. They've escalated over the years and taken form of crippling daytime nightmares. They became so real that my body reacted before I realized what was happening.

I was exhausted and agitated from this and feeling isolated as it seemed only I was dealing with this, while everyone else is busy chattering away, I'm sitting there seeing bloodshed and sensing my heart racing and my breathing stopped. A couple weeks ago on the way to Mass I asked my husband to pray for me during mass to help me with these visions, I told him I was exhausted. Exhausted in my mind, my spirit and my body. I was about at the end of my rope. This had been going on since 1987 and was progressively getting worse. When we go to mass, before it begins, we say prayers and just settle ourselves to quiet. I began praying to God about this problem of mine and I told Him there was no need to remind me to "not be fearful", that I may as well be told to go out and kiss the back end of a yellow Volkswagen rabbit. That's what I was whispering in prayer, not my words tho. I sat back in my pew and my husband asked me what was the matter. I told him I thought God was trying to remind me not to forget humor. He said that made sense to him. We both chuckled. Later in the Mass, after Holy Communion, I did hear Jesus tell me, and no mistake about it, He said, "I see everything you see". I felt something inside me collapse, like a dark thick wall, just crumble into dust. I hadn't realized how all alone in my own private world of terror that played out in my mind I had been all these years. I didn't realize how isolated I felt from others, even if they were right beside me. I haven't had a problem since with this torment of mind stuff. I feel very happy and light inside my soul. It was a miracle, to me, that God healed me in such an intimate way and let me know He was in "it" with me, and always will be. I face nothing alone.

Nor do you, or anyone else.

I believe praying the Rosary and The Divine Chaplet helped pave the way to this healing.

A few days after all of this, I went to Confession and dumped out the rest of the trash that had gathered in the corners of my soul trying to grow mold.

"A clean heart, create in me, O Lord!"

Yes! a clean heart! Soul scrubbing can be wonderfully painful once you realized how sin had deadened you. Feeling the pain of cleaning is welcomed.

I'm grateful I feel the pain of remorse for my sins. Without that pain I don't think one can experience the joy of gratitude to Christ for our salvation. The elation of knowing you've been rescued, that you've not been forgotten or passed over because of your sins, that you were loved all along, reaffirms that being a part of the Body of Christ is truly LIFE.

Red Ears and Naps

My mother used to say that if your ears were burning someone was talking about you!

Oh my! our beloved pets certainly make us smile.

Elle is enjoying the warm afternoon sun and I couldn't resist the way her ears captured the sunlight.

Meanwhile, outdoors, Nancy and Betty take a nice nap in the same sunshine.

Spring is here today! The sun makes me sleepy, too.

However, winter gives me more time to rest and now that rest is over as the outdoors need tending, let alone every single window in my house needs cleaned (and the screens).

Check out the honeysuckle bush, looks like a big hairy monster! But in a couple months at most, it will be beautiful.

And, if seen with wisdom, most things do become beautiful, if you give them time.

The end of this song, "Awesome God", there is the sound of people praising and rejoicing. Is that what Heaven sounds like when one of God's children returns home?

Goodbye Jeep (snif snif) :(

This past weekend I traveled to So. Ohio hoping to find new signs of spring. I certainly did find some.

Even smelled for a moment or two that familiar sweet alfalfa scent that is prominent in this area in spring. All things must have their season, have a chance to speak their mind, and then like melting snow, another view gets the podium.

Like my Jeep for instance, I loved that thing, but it's sold now in order to make funds for a better vehicle.

I get attached to my vehicles. They become a real friend to me. The Jeep was also an adventure to drive. I'll miss waving hello to all the other Jeep owners I passed in traffic. (Same thing happens if you drive a motorcycle. Most all motorcyclists wave. I think that's a hoot!)

Anyway, I'm thrilled my husband has a decent vehicle to drive to work and since I stay home and only drive a few miles a week, the Ford is fine and actually a safer vehicle. So all is well.

And now a word from St. Peter Chrysologus:

"Fasting is the soul of prayer, mercy is the lifeblood of fasting. So if you pray, fast; if you fast, show mercy; if you want your petition to be heard, hear the petition of others. If you do not close your ear to others, you open God's ear to yourself"

(Sermo 43: PL 52, 320.322).