For my mom

My mom's ceramic tree, probably made in the 1950's:

There are times, when decorating my house for Christmas, I really feel close to my mom. She loved Christmas. She painted resin knick-knacks all year long and in earlier years, she made ceramic figurines and trees. I use the things she made throughout my house, but the Christmas pieces really tug at my heart. This Christmas will be my 52nd, and my 2nd without mom. Last year I was too lost in grief to even acknowledge she died. But this year, it is sinking it a little. Gosh, I miss her.

Without photos and the things my mom made, much of Christmas' past would be a blur. I'm really glad I kept all the things she gave me and someday, when I am positive my daughter will treasure them, I'll pass them on along with the things I've made.

I don't know the story behind these photos of mom, but I have them on display in my house, they never fail to bring a smile to my face.

.I think it was around 1990, I painted an oil painting of my son and daughter from a photo I took of them on a walk at Quail Hollow. I had painted it for my mom's Christmas present. This is the photo of her holding the painting that Christmas Eve. We said quite alot about the painting to each other, not in words, but with our eyes. I lost my son, she lost her grandson, but we kept on celebrating life, we all did, the entire family. That is a gift to give your children: show them how to keep living even when life seems like it's over.

Keep walking, keep painting, keep talking, keep believing and don't stop looking for the gift inside the pain.

Just being grateful is a gift

Once my dad said he thought God had sped up the time and not told anyone. I reminded him about how it used to be at my Grandma's house in no-man's land Michigan, where time stood still, even tho her clocks ticked loudly. Grandma lived in an old house that looked like a barn. She had a dried bat, hung on her little indoor clothesline. Yup, on the back enclosed porch she had a clothesline with rags, old clothespins and a dead dehydrated bat that hung upside down.

I must have asked her a thousand times why. But, she refused to tell me, or anyone as far as I know. We all still joke about that bat 15 years later,..... still wonder why.

Now that I'm older, I respect her privacy regarding the matter, I even defend her right to have had the bat. Tho, I lacked this facet of my love for her while she was living.

I've begun to almost obsess with my relatives who have passed. Clinging to memories for dear life. I dug out tons of photos of Christmases pass and am going to make a photo album of them to display on my table in the parlor. I refuse to let go. I just can't.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I've been busy painting, selling (thank you God) and studying art. While in Marietta, I worked on our Christmas card for this year. I paint our cards every year. I also made tags to accompany my Etsy paintings, these I usually attach to the wire hanger in the back. I love making these!

On our way home from the cabin, we had time to stop and check out St. Mary's Catholic Church in Marietta. I was awestruck! It's SO beautiful! Even the downspouts are copper. Among many things I've learned from being Catholic, is the sacredness of God. The quiet. The smell of candles burning, each one filled with a prayer intention. The sense of history and all the scores of people who celebrated as well as mourned. I feel the "communion of saints". My family members who have passed, seem to be nearby, they kneel with me in the quiet of God's space. And, even if just for a moment or two, I feel whole and encouraged.

Viaticum, latin for "food for the journey". I'm so, so grateful.

Peace be with you:)

My own boss

I've no idea how to manage my time according to my idea of time management. I think I have to have something solid to show before clocking out at the end of the day with a list of accomplishments to show my boss that I'm worth the money paid me. Validate my presence. Earn the right to cast my own shadow.

But wait, I'm my own boss.

You know the old saying, "You are your worse enemy"? So true.

So?

My sister came over the other evening and we had a long talk. We found out we both carry this heavy burdened belief of having to accomplish tons each day. She is goal oriented and I'm journey minded.

I love the journey. Taking in the view and along this path is where I find myself, sitting on a rock, staring into a creek, or playing with a leaf, watching clouds, or worse yet, staring in to a mirror and wondering how in the heck did I get to be this old?

Then it hits me; I've wasted time, lots and lots of it. I start thinking about how much other people have accomplished. Around that time, my sis calls and tells me how much she's accomplished, and most times, I'm just getting out of bed!

The answer? Be who you are, not who you think you should be.

Ah, peace. It's okay to be the way I am. How do I know this? That is where my love resides. I am ready to love when I've given life lots of thought, not when I've washed six loads of clothes, mowed the grass, washed windows, painted a room and changed the oil in my tractor.

Hold it, I got to say this: I don't change the oil in my tractor. But, if I was super accomplished, I probably would.

If you could put my sister and I into a paper bag and shake us up then pour us out, we'd be perfectly balanced.

Maybe that is why, after talking to her, I feel so much better. She helps to balance me.

I love her totally, though I live in fear of losing her.

Oh don't be so morbid you say? Bull! I do! I worry about this. Maybe it's cause I've lost so many family members.

Or, maybe it's because I love ferociously, not holding back one ounce. You give someone your heart totally, you'll know it when they are gone, because a part of you becomes missing as well. That hurts, and at the same time, it's a gift.

That's part of loving. As Our Lady is referred to often: Lady of Risk.

When I first heard that, many years ago, right after losing my son, I knew it had to do with loving someone totally: you can get hurt.

But, if that's part of being someones mom, daughter, sister, wife, aunt, etc.,

so be it.

I pray for the courage to love, trust and continue to build my nest here at home, where I am my own boss who kicks my own butt and stares out the window, a little too much.

ps. I just thought of something: when I'm sitting by a creek, watching the leaves float by, that's where I get in touch with Heaven, and Heaven is where a part of my heart resides.

I watch the clouds play with the sun and think stuff like, "God is watching this too."

Why do we beat ourselves up over enjoying the gifts God gives us?

I think Wal-mart is to blame.

The land around me

We moved from an allotment about ten years ago. At first, I didn't want to move because I loved my house and our little lot. The thing that changed my mind?....lawn mowers. On a nice day, when one would love to be outdoors or have their windows open, there would be a lawn mower roaring and agitating me to no end. After awhile it became a major pit peeve of mine and I agreed to move.

So, off we went to a 4 acre lot out in the middle of farm country. And, it's the same darn thing only the lawn mowers are much bigger and much louder. Here's the one I contended with today. Dust storms like no others, compliments of John Deere.

I went for a walk in the woods behind our house this morning and took some pictures. This one with the trees "x marks the spot", I love.

Kind of spooky.

Here is a path of pine trees. I don't know who planted these pine trees in such neat rows, but I sure do appreciate their beauty.

Finally, one last photo of the top of a hill where the sun was shining through so pretty. Loving this time of year.

Hope you are too, but I

can't wait till the first snowflake!

Fall Outings

Things like roadside stands seem magical to me. I had to stop and take a picture. It's so Americana.

These people grew these items, stuck them out on a little "shop window" in their front yard & put a container for honest folk to drop in their payment amongst the goods.

I wanted to plop down in the yard and hang out, just looking at the colors maybe getting to talk to someone like me who couldn't resist stopping and taking a closer look at what was for sale.

However, my 24 year old daughter didn't really share in my excitement. Instead of making her understand how beautiful everything was to me, I took a quick photo, selected some Indian Corn and we took off down the road toward home.

I wonder if someday, when I'm gone, if she comes across that photo, will she remember that day, and will that memory bring a smile to her face?

I also wonder if I'm nuts, but hey, that's an entire different set of wonders.

Anywho, every night before I go to sleep, I sketch something that happened during my day and write a paragraph about what I did/felt/thought, etc. This is that day's sketch showing how patient my kid is with me and my sporadic antics.

Silence, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In an effort to soak up some of the fall colors, I'm leaving for the cabin. Mostly because I could use a break from the sounds of traffic, neighbors, airplanes, the pumpkin farm's activities (they shoot pumpkins from a cannon, uh-huh, it's lovely).

I know this stuff jitters my nerves because when I'm away from it, I feel less fragmented, I even stop clenching my teeth (ow!).

Right now, (or was) I'm busy getting ready to go. After a 2 hour drive, you don't want to have turn around and drive miles and miles just to get something you forgot to bring, like milk & eggs.......for sure I have the coffee.

Here's my morning drinking coffee chair. A drinking coffee chair.

Hey, I should invent one and have it patented and then make gobs of money.

Or perhaps not.

What did I do today? There is so much to do I've got off track somewhere, maybe from stress? Don't know, but I was going along pretty well, getting things crossed of my to do list and then I found myself doing crossword puzzles, then playing with a pumpkin image on my photoshop.........that's when I thought, okay what the heck, I'll post to my blog and then, for SURE I'll get back to my to do list.

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to my sister Connie. She grows more beautiful each year:)

And with that, I'm heading back to my list of to-dos.

I'm my own boss, so I will really get ticked if I don't get moving.

The Cry Room

It's been awhile. I've been gone in more ways than one. Out of town and outside working. Fall brings tons of outdoor work to get ready for winter. Blue skies,yellow leaves and crickets singing...a lovely combo in which to work.

Art? Not so much to report or show, BUT! it's always on my mind and certainly my desire, however, I've been caught up in helping others pursue their goals instead of my own. It's a tad out of balance and requires me to tap into my self-discipline abilities. (SDA). (I just made that up:)

I usually get melancholy during mass, yesterday was no difference. You see, when I discovered God was love, even though it was during the worse time in my life, it is a time I look back on with tenderness and gratitude. A time when I started my journey to become a Catholic. 20 years ago. It was God's way for me, to rope in my overwhelming gratitude, to help it make sense and to give me a beautiful way to follow His direction.

I was raised Baptist, and God bless them all, but it was the Catholic faith, for me, that represented the God I had met that day. And, the Blessed Mother? What a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot even begin to describe how much she loves us all. I've had a touch of Her love in a powerful way that took away any doubt I ever had about life, God, Jesus, Bible, and Heaven. It's all true.

In our church there is a wonderful little room with big glass windows called the "Cry Room". I never had to go there, my daughter was 4 when we started going to mass and managed to keep fairly quiet. But, I love the symbolism.

In my mind, there is a cry room. It's where I send all the distracting noise banging around in my head. You know, the sort of thing that goes on the entire time you are reading and then don't have a clue what it was you just read.

Like maybe what you've read just now?

So, GO TO THE CRY ROOM, YOU ANNOYING NOISE!!! (what if the priest said that during mass?) yeow.

Anyway, one last thing, today is the Feast Day of St. Theresa of the Child Jesus who said, "after my death, I will let fall a shower of roses, I will spend my heaven doing good on earth."

Way back then, during this time of year, I learned about this saint. I had prayed and asked her if it was okay for us to be friends. (I wasn't officially Catholic yet.)

Later that day, when my daughter got off the school bus, she ran and grabbed a late blooming dandelion. With a big, loving smile she held up the dandelion to me and said, "this is for YOU mom!"

I still tear up when I think of that, because in my heart I KNEW it was St. Theresa saying "yes, we are friends".

So far, life seems utterly magical.

Love and flowers to you all.